Who am I? This is a question that we don’t often think to ask ourselves. After all it seems pretty clear most of the time. I’m me. In my case a coach, dad, husband, son, brother, uncle, musician. I identify as male, American, white. I could go on listing all sorts of characteristics and roles, but do any of those things really answer the question of who I am?
From a spiritual perspective, the question of who we are becomes an important focus. We want to know what our place is in the universe. Do we matter and if so, in what ways? We search for clarity on what our true essence is.
The problem with these sorts of questions is that they seem to have no real answer. I once heard Joseph Campbell (quoting someone else I can’t remember) say:
The best things in life can’t be talked about.
The second best is when we attempt to talk about those things.
The third best is what we usually talk about.
This highlights the fact that the most elemental and essential things about life are beyond our words, even our thoughts. The only way we can hope to understand them is through pure experience.
When I was in graduate school (studying music) I had a remarkable experience that still resonates within me today. During one practice session I suddenly had what I can only describe as an out of body experience. I was playing a Bach fugue and at one point suddenly sensed no separation between me, the music, the universe. It felt as if everything was part of everything. The “me” I thought existed melted away and merged with everything that is.
It was a wonderful sensation, if that’s what I could call it. But it was really more of a knowing than a sensation. Time ceased to exist. Space seemed irrelevant. Everything my mind had thought existed gave way to an entirely different reality. The experience lasted only a few seconds by the clock. But on the inside it was eternity – outside the field of time. And it was so affecting that it has shaped my life ever since. I keep looking and waiting for another reoccurrence.
I’ve frequently come across an approach to meditation and to uncovering who we really are that comes at that question from the other way round. Instead of asking who we are, it has us examining and eliminating everything that’s not who we are.
Who we are becomes apparent only after we discard everything that’s not us.
Through that sort of guided meditation, I recently got pretty close to experiencing that true self. I had dis-identified with my thoughts, emotions, sensations, beliefs and could sense what lies underneath all those things. What was surprising to me though, was that as I got closer to that essence and could feel the peace that was there, I also began feeling a bit overwhelmed. I actually stopped the meditation. I wasn’t sure I was ready for the depth of the experience. Since then I’ve redone this meditation a few times hoping to go all the way. I keep getting closer.
Anyway, the point of all this is to say that the experience of encountering the essence of who we are is, well, beyond words. It can come suddenly and unexpectedly or over time and through practice. We’ll each have our own unique experience at our own time. And though I know I’ve not done a good job, I enjoy the attempt at expressing the ineffable.
I encourage you to get quiet enough that you can begin to become aware of what inside you is aware. Finding that spot (or letting that spot find you) will likely be one of the more meaningful times of your life. It’s also likely to shed some light on the question who am I.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with the spiritual, the essence of who you really are. Tell me in the comments below of what experiences you’ve had and how they’ve shaped you.
© 2020, Paul Boehnke
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