Anyone get their buttons pushed at a recent holiday gathering?
Last month I wrote about getting triggered by experiences we have (read post here). Someone says or does something and we become upset, usually within milliseconds. I also explained a little about the fact that when this happens, we’re experiencing what psychologists refer to as transference, or the past reinterpreting the present. Then I made a comment that may have pushed buttons among some of you. I said, we need to own our buttons or triggers. If someone pushes our buttons and we become reactive, it’s our stuff, not theirs. This may not be the thing we want to hear when we’re in the midst of the drama that triggering brings on. It is, however, true.
Disconnecting Our Buttons
If we want to stop the endless button-pushing that can overtake us, we need a strategy to disconnect those buttons. To loosen the grip our reactive patterns have on us we need to see other equally possible interpretations of the event. The more meanings we can find, the better. When we realize there are many possible meanings to any given situation, we’re free to make a choice as to which meaning to use.
Nothing has any meaning until we give it a meaning.
This can be a difficult idea to accept. After all, how could the death of someone we love mean anything but loss? How could being laid off mean anything other than we’re expendable? But if we back far enough away from our personal connection with a circumstance, we’ll be able to see that there is a whole range of possible interpretations.
How often have you and someone else witnessed something and had very different stories to tell about what happened? You both were quite sure of what the circumstance meant. It’s just that you had two very different meanings. This is an example of how the circumstance itself has no intrinsic meaning. The meaning only comes when we have a thought about it.
The hardest part of considering alternate interpretations though, is coming to terms with our need to identify with a particular view. For some egos (conditioned mind), the need to be right is very strong. In this case it becomes extremely difficult to entertain alternate interpretations because this would mean our original interpretation was wrong. For others there’s a need to be seen as wounded. Wounded people can usually get a lot of sympathy and support from others. Giving up an identity of being wounded leaves one without this avenue of loving attention. Letting go of an interpretation appears to leave a void and a sense of uncertainty.
There are hundreds of variations of these patterns. But they all come down to a belief we have about who we think we are. And that belief limits us in all sorts of ways. It prevents us from seeing the full potential that we are. It prevents us from seeing the full potential of others. It also prevents us from really connecting with others since we’re so invested in seeing them and ourselves in a certain way. And when combined with the fact that others are invested in their own beliefs about themselves and us, it’s no wonder we so easily feel alienated from each other.
Once we have a range of possible interpretations of an event, we can then choose the belief that would disconnect our buttons and free us from our reactive patterns. Our ego thinks we base our beliefs on facts and are therefore unable to simply believe something else. But that’s not true. We believe what we want to believe all the time. (For further discussion on this last point click here.)
Choosing our beliefs is stunningly simple and effective. And just imagine the effect it could have on your relationships when you’re buttons no longer work.
Disconnect your buttons and life becomes much simpler, less stressful and more connected. Maybe it’s best to start practicing now before the next holiday gathering.
Holiday offer
If you’d like help disconnecting your buttons, take advantage of my special 25% off holiday offer – 3 Coaching Sessions for $225. Click here for more info.
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