Life Lesson: Listening to Love

You’re not listening to me! Have you ever been told that? I have. It hurts. It hurts to be accused of not paying attention, especially if you’ve really tried to pay a LOT of attention. It also hurts to think that someone you love and care for feels so unloved and uncared for.

What’s the one thing everyone wants? I believe it is to be loved and to feel it, to know it deeply. What is one of the best ways of knowing we’re loved? Being truly heard. When someone takes the time and energy to listen, to hear into our stories, we sense the genuine love they feel for us and it confirms what we most want to know: that we are lovable.

Listening is a powerful gift. It’s also a bit of a rarity. Someone once said, “God gave us two ears and one mouth. We should use them in that proportion.” But so often the ratio gets reversed and many talk twice as much as they listen. The result is that both parties feel isolated. Neither experiences the love and connection they both earnestly seek. Misunderstandings arise, fears develop, wars are fought. All for the lack of good listening.

So what does good listening look like? How do we best give the gift of being heard?

Have you ever said to someone, “I’m really disappointed (or angry or ecstatic or confused) that X happened”? And did they respond, “I know exactly how you feel. Just yesterday I was so disappointed (or angry or ecstatic or confused) when Y happened”?

Most often that sort of response comes out of an intention to connect, to show how the two of you have similar experiences, that you’re not alone. But what actually happens is that the speaker is taken out of their own emotional place, the attention is redirected to the listener and neither feel connected or heard.

This is called subjective listening and is based on the needs or agenda of the listener rather than the speaker. Whatever the speaker says, it is related back to the listener and how she/he feels. As I said, the conscious idea behind this sort of response is often borne out of a desire to connect. The unconscious desire though is borne of fear, fear of the emotion trying to be expressed. People fear that if they acknowledge the deep pain in the other, they will have to acknowledge the deep pain in themself. Or if someone is celebrating a great triumph, celebrating with them might highlight one’s own lack of triumph. Either way the unconscious does not want us to go there. That could do a real hack job on our ego. So the ego takes charge and deftly steers the conversation to something that feels safer. This sort of listening is rampant. You can find it everywhere and in the vast majority of conversations you will ever encounter.

Another example of subjective listening is even more destructive and often happens with those we love the most. Instead of listening to hear what the other is experiencing, we listen in order to figure out what our next response will be. It’s as if we’re in a debate and we’re looking for the weakness in the other’s argument. We hear what they say only in how it affects us. We fear that what they say will reflect badly on us and that we’ll need to defend ourselves. Our ego feels vulnerable and we use listening as a form of self-protection instead of a way to show love. We have one ear on what’s being said and the other on how we will respond. But the majority of our attention is on ourselves. This definitely does not create connection.

Objective Listening

Another form of listening, called objective listening, is much more effective.

Speaker: “I’m really disappointed (or angry or ecstatic or confused) that X happened.”
Listener: “Wow, it sounds like that disappointment (or triumph) is really hard (or exciting) for you.”

This response keeps the attention on the speaker and lets him/her know what was heard. It’s also a great step in giving the gift of being heard. The listener isn’t thinking about how they are affected by what is being said and the door is open for the speaker to go further and flesh out the experience even more. This type of listening requires that the listener be OK with hearing whatever emotions are expressed. It also requires a certain amount of presence and not taking what is said personally. But when done authentically, this type of listening keeps the lines of communication open between the speaker and the listener. It’s a great basis from which to continue conversation.

Intuitive Listening

A third type of listening is intuitive listening. Here the listener not only keeps the attention on the speaker but hears what is behind the words as well. The listener notices the tone of voice, the energy level, and the many feelings at play.

Speaker: “I’m really disappointed (or angry or ecstatic or confused) that X happened.”
Listener: “Wow, it sounds like X was really important to you and that, judging by your energy/tone of voice, your disappointment (or excitement) also brings some feelings of frustration (or relief) with it.”

Intuitive listening lets the speaker know they’ve really been heard on a deep level. When a listener devotes the time and energy to listening, keeps their own needs out of the equation and responds in a way that encourages the speaker to go deeper, they are giving the gift of being heard. The listener will feel accepted, worthwhile, and loved. What a beautiful gift to give someone.

I often write in these blog entries of the importance of being present, of not giving energy to the regrets of the past or the worries of the future. Being present in the moment is one of the most important parts of listening with love. Our ego lives in the past and future. It’s constantly planning, defending, rationalizing, justifying. It does all this with the intention of keeping us safe. In reality though, the ego is just trying to keep itself safe. But when we’re able to notice the patterns of our ego and not follow them down the rabbit hole of fear and regret, we open ourselves to others. With presence we’re able to listen with great receptivity. We’re able to hear things without taking them personally. We’re able to respond from an intuitive place. And we’re able to make real and deep connections with others. Presence makes the gift of being heard and loved possible.

In this month of Valentine’s Day, what better way to say “I love you” than to listen?

Strategies for learning to listen

• Listen to conversations around you and notice what sort of listening is taking place.
• Begin to notice how others listen to you. What sort of listening do they do? How do you feel?
• Begin to notice how you listen to others. What sort of responses do you give?
• Explore through journaling (or coaching) what emotions you’re uncomfortable with. Knowing that emotions are just emotions, can you be willing to feel any emotion?
• Through the practice of presence you will increasingly be able to see your ego’s needs and then make a conscious choice of how you want to show up. Deep and loving listening then becomes an option.

In the comments below, let me know of an experience you’ve had of being heard (or not being heard). And then use the social icons to forward this on to the friend you know needs this. Thanks!

© 2018 Paul Boehnke