Before becoming a coach I spent many years as a classical musician. I loved it, but playing an instrument is a complicated affair. There’s the physical aspect of teaching your body to do what needs to be done and then to get those actions to become automatic. That’s why musicians practice scales so much. Playing them in a piece of music needs to be completely automatic so you can pay attention to other things. In order for music to make sense to a listener, rhythm needs to be precise, even more so if you’re playing with others. Just these things take years to master. Then there’s the emotional aspect. Figuring out what the music is expressing on an emotional level and how to communicate that through the instrument and then to do that at just the right moment, well that’s a whole other level of complication. Doing all this successfully requires an enormous amount of conscious thought and an equal amount of deep and timeless presence, two things which can feel in direct opposition to each other. Basically, as a musician I had to get my mind, emotions and body to think, feel and do what I needed them to, when I needed them to do it. Skills I learned along the way.
Being an artist, however, is about much more than mastering the tools and techniques of one’s art. It’s about becoming a master of oneself. Regardless of how good one’s technique is, it’s our hidden fears, beliefs, motivations and resistance that get in the way of truly artful expression. Uncovering these is the real work of an artist. For me, that was the most satisfying part of living and working as an artist. It’s the part that taught me the most and helped me become more and more who I am. It’s also what I loved helping my students with. Watching as they peeled back layer after layer of psychological beliefs was like watching a flower bloom. They gradually became more and more of who they truly were. Plus, the freedom they gained from clearing out those inner impediments, cleared out all sorts of roadblocks in their technique. It’s a profoundly moving thing to witness.
As with most people though, I had some hidden beliefs and fears that either continued to remain hidden or refused to let go of me. They were deeply ingrained patterns of thought, feeling and behavior that I’d lived with seemingly my whole life. Even when I discovered these patterns, there seemed to be some other worldly force that kept them in place. Breaking those habits began to feel impossible.
One of my deep-seated beliefs was that at my core, something about me wasn’t acceptable. It seemed that if others knew what I really felt or thought, they would reject me. This drove me to always present what I thought others would find acceptable. I learned to be diplomatic, to find humor, to see many sides of an issue. I also learned to ignore my own feelings and desires. It drove me to hide away my most authentic attributes, the things that made me most me. The fear of losing love and the sense of belonging became deeply rooted in my way being.
These limits showed up in many parts of my life. Although my career was sustainable, it seemed to go only so far. My relationships were few and only so deep. My sense of joy in life was tepid at best. My emotional life was dull and nondescript. Even now as I write about it, there’s a feeling of weight that comes over me.
Life being the benevolent gift that it is, however, brings us signs and clues about what’s on the other side of our limitations. It teases us into a desire for more: more freedom, more abundance, more joy. Occasionally those signs come and explode into a sudden opening. More often though, the signs and clues gradually mount up and we find ourselves pulled inexorably toward those promises of freedom. When that happens we begin looking for a way past whatever has held us back. Teachers appear just as we need them. Opportunities arise and resistances begin to weaken. We often feel like we’re in a fog, not knowing what’s ahead but knowing that what’s behind needs to be left there.
For me I knew that what needed to be left behind were all the messages the voice in my head had been telling me. The messages that said I wasn’t acceptable, that kept me living small by telling me I’m not really qualified or sufficiently skilled. Messages of shame and messages that said I wasn’t truly lovable. I needed that voice to tell me things that supported and encouraged me. I needed new messages.
Then I remembered an experience I’d had years earlier. As a music student in college, I was learning a piece of music that was pretty difficult. There was one tiny 4-measure section of the piece which was particularly difficult. After spending forty minutes on just that tiny section, it definitely became easier to play. But the most interesting thing is that while I was practicing those notes, I was thinking about something else going on in my life at that time. Something that had nothing to do with the music.
Fast forward five years and when I played that piece again and got to that small section, the thoughts I’d had while practicing came screaming back to my mind. I was shocked. Those thoughts were five years old. They had nothing to do with my life now. Why was I thinking them again?
I realized I’d practiced those thoughts along with those notes. Clearly, if I could learn to practice more helpful thoughts while I rehearsed, I could produce more powerful performances and shorten the learning process to boot. And that’s what I did. I learned to get my mind, emotions and body to think, feel and do what I needed them to, when I needed them to do it. That’s when it hit me. I had been using all sorts of tools to get my thoughts to support my music making. Why not use those same tools to turn that voice in my head from a critic to a cheerleader?
It was that realization that catalyzed my journey toward living truly authentically. It gave me concrete tools I could use to help me find my way through the fog to a new future.
If you’re interested in learning these tools and using them to turn your inner critic into an inner cheerleader, there’s a powerful online and on-demand course called Conquer Self Doubt. It really can change your way of thinking. Click here to get all the details.
© 2020, Paul Boehnke. All rights reserved.
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