Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of stories of people’s pasts. They tell me about the wounds they’ve suffered and how those wounds control them today. They are frequently moving from job to job only to discover the new one has the same problems as the old. Or they keep having similar relationships but with different people. Maybe their financial situation seems to be stuck on “not enough” and they can’t seem to find “enough.” People are so aware of how they feel trapped by the past. Pasts they wish they could change. It’s as if they can’t help but relive the experiences over and over.
While we can’t change the past, we can rewrite our story about it. The process to do that, though not always easy, is relatively simple. And it’s all we need to move past the past.
Only three things are required of you to move past the past: honesty, trust and persistence.
We need to be honest about the events of our past and our emotions about those events. We need to trust this process and allow it to have its way with us. And we need to be persistent (and sometimes patient) in implementing our new story.
There are occasions in which a past trauma is so significant that you shouldn’t go into the feelings of that experience without the help of a trained therapist. If just the thought of reliving the experience in your mind is too much to contemplate, then work with a therapist is called for.
If, however, you’re at least open to looking behind those doors and have the sense that whatever you discover won’t kill you (after all, they are just emotions), then the steps I outline here can be quite effective.
In either case the story is never as monolithic, omnipotent nor intractable as our amygdala (the lizard brain) wants us to think.
There are two key elements to move past the past, two steps that help us integrate what happened and then begin a new chapter.
Step 1: Uncover the Story
Traumatic events from the past caused us to learn ways of thinking, feeling and behaving in order to keep us alive, to protect us. And those behaviors worked. The proof is that you’re here reading this.
The first step is to get a clear picture of what those thoughts, feelings and behaviors are and what it is you’re being protected from. In doing so you come to appreciate the care and compassion this old energy has shown you, the way in which it has worked hard to keep you safe. From that place of deep appreciation and gratitude you then enlist that same energy to help you create a new story, a new perspective on who you are and what you’re capable of. Then turn that story into an empowering statement about yourself, one that connects emotionally to a deep place within. (This first step is often much easier and more effective with the help of someone such as a coach.)
Step 2: Practice
The second step is to rehearse the new story, that empowering statement, until it becomes your new default. Just as learning a new piece of music or a new skill in a sport takes time, intention and effort, so too does retraining our brain to think something new. And practicing that new thought (telling the new story) when times are good is the place to start. If you’ve practiced that new story enough, when you feel challenged and the old story resurfaces, your new habit of thought will more easily move in and become dominant.
I want to point out two things that are important in letting this process work. First, don’t try to break the old habit. By focusing on what you’re not going to do, you give it energy and its pull on you only becomes stronger. Second, when the old habit appears, acknowledge its presence, express your gratitude for its intention to keep you safe, and turn your attention to the new story. Period.
We love to tell stories (particularly about ourselves) and hearing others’ stories can be quite moving. No one, however, likes to hear the story about how you’re the victim. At least not for more than a couple minutes. Instead, tell them the story of how you’re creating a new chapter, a new energy in your life. Instead of telling them about the past you don’t want, tell them about the future you do want. It will inspire both of you.
In the comments below, type your favorite emoji if you’re ready to tell a new story.
© 2019 Paul Boehnke
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