Jill (not pictured here) was a procrastinator, particularly when it came to house cleaning. This was a task she dreaded. There were always so many things she’d rather be doing, important things. Consequently, her house was not the kind of place she liked to live in. Dishes were left undone, and the house was cluttered. She felt frustrated and trapped.
Why do we procrastinate? What keeps us from doing the things we know need doing? It’s not really a mystery. We avoid doing things because of thought patterns that have become habituated.
I asked Jill what she thought of when it was time to clean the house. She told me that she often remembered helping her dad clean the house when she was growing up. I asked her what feelings arose when she remembered that. She looked down and the energy seemed to leave her body. “I feel sad, hurt, shamed. I was pretty young when I was helping my dad and even though I was doing my best, I was never able to do the job well enough for him. He’d point out what I’d missed and I felt incapable of cleaning well.” After thinking about this for a moment she said, “No wonder I hate cleaning the house.”
No wonder indeed! Anyone who had those thoughts and feelings when it was time to clean the house would avoid the job at all costs. No one would choose to feel hurt, sad and shamed.
Yet, that’s exactly what she was doing. What she didn’t realize was that those thoughts reflected a choice she was making. To her the thoughts seemed like the natural way her mind worked. She certainly didn’t go looking for those thoughts. They just seemed to appear on their own.
We all have thoughts, feelings and behaviors that have become habits (see The Big Lie). We learned them growing up and have had years practicing them. Of course they seem completely natural and out of our control. They’ve been controlling us.
Taking back control
I asked Jill that if it were possible for her to have any thought she wants when it was time to clean, what that thought would be. After considering for a minute she responded, “First, I’m a grown up. And second, what a beautiful way to care for myself, my house and my family.” I asked her how that thought felt. Her eyes brightened, she sat up taller and said, “I feel empowered, motivated and energized!”
“Wow! That’s a long way from hurt, sad and shamed,” I said.
“It sure is,” she replied. “But how can I make that the thought I have rather than the old one which has haunted me for so long? I’m not choosing the old one. It chooses me.”
“It only chooses you because you’ve abdicated your power to choose. When I asked you what thought you’d like, you had that thought and it changed the way you felt. That’s how you choose a thought. You think it.”
She thought for a moment. I continued. “If you want to have different thoughts than what is habitual now, you have to practice. Just like practicing a musical instrument or a sport, thinking is something you train to do. When the old, unhelpful thoughts arise, notice them, thank them for trying to help and then choose the thought you’d rather have. At first it may seem awkward. But repetition (particularly conscious repetition) will change what feels phony into the genuine thing. Another example of fake it ‘till you make it.”
I’m happy to report that Jill not only lives in a clean house now, but she sees her friends more often as she’s comfortable inviting them into her home.
What do you procrastinate over? How willing are you to replace your old thought with a new one? It’s your choice. It just needs practice. And that gets easier every day.
In the comments below, tell me what thought you’re choosing to have. Then forward this on to your friend who procrastinates. No one needs to suffer from their thoughts.
© 2018 Paul Boehnke
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