Tired of critical, judgmental thoughts getting in your way? Wondering how to break free from that negative voice in your head? In almost every case, we are our own toughest critic. We’re constantly making judgments about ourselves. We second guess our decisions, hesitate because we feel unsure and blame ourselves for why we feel bad. Sometimes this inner critic manifests as abusive behavior such as addictions, harming ourselves or others or allowing others to harm us. Sometimes it shows up as people pleasing or control issues. It can show up as a lack of trust, motivation or energy. Sometimes it just feels like life has lost its color, vitality or fun. This voice can wreak havoc with our relationships, our career, our self esteem. It can feel like a dead weight, something we drag around like a boulder chained to our ankle.
Some people aren’t even aware of this little voice in their head. The chatter inside their minds has been going on their whole life and simply seems normal. Others are aware of that pesky nag and see how it accompanies them wherever they go. They feel the burden of it and wish they could figure out a way to simply lay it down and walk away. For good.
But every effort to fight against this voice only seems to egg it on. What’s a person to do?
There’s a myriad of names for this voice: inner critic, gremlin, dark side messages, negative programming to name but a few. And it seems that with all my clients, our conversations inevitably lead to the messages of this voice, how it holds them back and what can be done about it. It’s this last part, what can be done about it, that is empowering and the only way forward. Here are the steps I take with my clients to help them turn their inner critic into an inner cheerleader.
Step 1
First you need to become aware that this voice exists and that it is not who you are at your core. There is another part of you that represents the essence of who you are. Some call it spirit or soul. Some refer to their inner being or the God (or Source, Universe or whatever word you prefer) energy within. The part of you that knows you’re alive. It’s the part of you that can observe the inner critic voice. The part that senses the unpleasant emotions that arise when the inner critic speaks. For simplicity’s sake I’ll use the word Self.
Creating a bit of space or separation between the inner critic and the Self is the first step. To help make this separation more tangible, some like to give the inner critic a name (just don’t choose the name of someone you know. Personally, the name doesn’t really help me. But you should do whatever benefits you.)
Step 2
The next step is to build a better relationship between the inner critic and the Self. This is the step that often surprises my clients. They see all the trouble their inner critic has caused and don’t initially feel inclined to get to know it any better. But the truth of the matter is that your inner critic voice learned its messages at a time when those messages kept you safe from something. It protected you in some way. And the proof that it worked is that you’re here.
However, life has moved on, you’ve changed, things around you have changed and that original message no longer serves you well. But because your inner critic has repeated the old message so much, it’s become a belief. A belief you hold even though it’s not true.
Building a new relationship between the Self and the critic requires compassion, gratitude and appreciation for the good intentions that motivate the critic. Getting really curious about the voice, uncovering what it’s trying to protect you from and understanding its point of view, goes a long way toward putting the critic on the same side as the Self.
It can also be helpful to gain access to the emotions the critic was protecting you from. Allowing yourself to experience the depth of feeling at the root can also help release its hold on you. (Remember Carl Jung’s “what you resist, persists”? Ignoring the emotional content will keep it present in your life.) One caveat though: reliving the emotions over and over and repeating the story over and over will activate the Law of Attraction and bring you more of the same. Uncover the emotions enough to help you realize the depth of the wound and to clarify what you want.
Step 3
The third step in turning your inner critic to your inner cheerleader is to find a new, supportive message you would like to hear from it. Craft a statement that you would like to become your new belief. Imagine thinking that new thought and connect with the emotion you would feel when thinking that new thought. The stronger your emotional connection, the more power your new belief will have.
Step 4
The fourth step is to practice your new belief/thought. A lot. As a performing musician for many years, I learned how to train my brain to think what I needed it to think when I needed it to think it. I will write more about how to accomplish this step in next month’s blog post.
But for now, focus on creating (or mending) the relationship between your inner critic and your Self. Be open, honest, gentle, non-judgmental and compassionate. This will set you up for great success in moving past the negative thoughts that have plagued you.
© copyright 2019, Paul Boehnke
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