WARNING: Unpopular opinion.
Accountability and accountability partners. What’s up with that/them? Some people love them. Some don’t.
I recently posted on Facebook asking about the pros and cons of accountability partners. Here are a few of the responses:
Cons: They can become your enabling partner.
Pros: They will hold you accountable. Cons: They will hold you accountable
Pros: it makes you get sh*t done. Cons: sometimes you avoid their phone calls because you haven’t gotten sh*t done. For me the avoidance is mostly shame/embarrassment (recovering perfectionist here)
I have an AP and I love it. We text daily and talk on the phone weekly. Having a clear understanding of what is expected is what makes our relationship work.
Crucial.
(From another coach) One of the things that we do with our clients is set rewards or repercussions on accountable things. Depending if people are driven towards pleasure or away from pain.
Personally I have a very mixed feeling about accountability and accountability partners. And this causes me a bit of stress as a coach. Accountability was a major part of my coach training. And to be completely open, I was really triggered by that part of the training. There was something about it that felt filled with restriction, guilt, shame, others’ expectations. None of which I like very much. Of course my being triggered really says more about me than about anything else. But OK, let’s move on for the moment.
It seems to me that if we get really clear on why we want to do something (asking the question multiple times so we get to the root) and which of our values it honors, then the inspiration and motivation to follow through arises naturally.
As a coach, I know I can’t really hold anyone accountable for their decisions. The consequences of their action or non-action holds them accountable. I can ask about what progress, if any, they’ve made. I can explore with them why they did or didn’t accomplish what they said they wanted. I can help them get ever clearer on what’s important to them. But past that, it seems it’s up to them. Besides, if it’s important to me that they accomplish what they set out to accomplish, then that’s turned into my agenda, not theirs.
Having said all this I also want to acknowledge that accountability partners are very helpful to some (see comments above). They find support, encouragement and connection. All things I’m in favor of. It seems to me the trick is to make sure one provides the sort of accountability the partner wants.
The place I’ve arrived at in my own coaching practice is to turn the accountability question on myself: am I being accountable to them? I’ll ask how I can support them in accomplishing what they set out to accomplish and then hold myself accountable for following through on that. But if I sense their actions are motivated more by guilt or shame than inspiration, I take it upon myself to make sure they’re clear on what they really want and why. I don’t like guilt or shame.
Let me know in the comments below what your thoughts and experiences are with accountability partners. I’m definitely open to learning from all of you.
© 2020 Paul Boehnke
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