I’ve always lived in the country. That’s just who I am. My family’s always been Methodist. That’s just who we are. I’ve never liked the outdoors. It’s just the way I am. I’m a cat person, not a dog person.
How many times have we heard people say things like that? Heck, how many times have we said those sorts of things ourselves? I know I’ve said my fair share. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with having clarity around what we prefer. That clarity can help us know whether to move toward something or away from it.
But sometimes the sentence, “That’s just who I am” deprives us of experiencing the richness that life is. It’s actually a rationalization for not trying something new, for not growing, for hiding from the unfamiliar.
Fear
The amygdala, the fear center of our brain and one of its oldest parts, developed when life threatening circumstances surrounded us. It continues to come up with increasingly ingenious ways of keeping us safe today. After all, that’s its job. But a few million years later and our circumstances are quite different. Most of us live in places that are really quite safe. For the most part, we have sufficient food and shelter. We’re not threatened by fierce, wild animals. The vast majority of us live well into old age.
So, what are we so afraid of? The honest answer is nothing.
Franklin Roosevelt was right. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Fear keeps us from experiencing adventure, curiosity and opportunities. It keeps our lives small, predictable and, well, boring. It not only allows but encourages us to see others as “the other,” as people with whom we not only don’t have much in common, but who might be dangerous. This is playing out everyday in a world that appears increasingly divided. (Interestingly, this is actually making us less safe. But that’s a topic for another day.)
Who are you, really?
Here’s what I believe about who we all are. (In the end, I believe this is a question we can’t answer adequately with words. But since this blog post relies on words, I’ll do my best.) In this physical, time-space reality we are a collection of experiences, personality and preferences. But ultimately I believe we are much more than that. I believe our essence is consciousness with consciousness being the life force that animates us. Consciousness is what makes it possible for us to experience things, to be aware of things. Consciousness is our awareness of our awareness. The idea that we’re all basically energy (see quantum physics) helps me form an image in my mind of consciousness.
This all can sound a bit confusing and obtuse. Besides that, what does it really matter who we believe we are?
It matters because our belief will define what we think we’re capable of, what is safe, what is possible. What we believe will either open doors or seal them shut. It will make it possible for us to choose our experience of life or simply live by default the experience others approve of. What I want for all of us is to live the fullest and most satisfying life we’re capable of. That’s why it matters.
My goal is not to tell you who you are or how you should live your life. My goal is to encourage you to think carefully about who you believe you are. I encourage you to notice when your thoughts, subtle though they may be, come from a place of fear. And I encourage you to choose your beliefs consciously. (For a discussion on how to learn new thoughts see my last blog entry).
The next time you hear yourself (or someone else) say, “that’s just who I am,” ask how true is that really.
© Copyright 2019, Paul Boehnke
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