Life Lesson: Trigger Happy

Recently I was emptying our paper shredder and getting ready to put the shreds into the recycling bin. My wife said, “You can’t do that. The recycler can’t handle tiny pieces of paper and besides, if you put that into the bin they’ll eventually blow all over the place.”

Something inside me snapped and I heard those words as fightin’ words. I immediately knew exactly what I was going to do: just what she’d said I couldn’t.

I had just been triggered.

We hear the word “triggered” a lot lately. The truth is we all have triggers, probably hundreds of them. The most common triggers are simply the activation of what psychologists call transference, or the past interpreting our present. Example: if someone speaks to us today with a tone of voice that reminds us of someone from our past, we unconsciously interpret the present comment as if it came from the person in our past. Our ability to understand what’s being communicated in the present is supplanted by our experience from the past. It could be negative transference: an interpretation that causes some sort of upset or anger. It could also be positive transference: an interpretation that causes us to see someone in an idealized way. Either way we’re not dealing with the present but with memories from the past. (If you want to know more about transference, just google it. You’ll have plenty of articles to read).

Favorite response

The most common response people have to being triggered (especially in a negative way) is to blame the other person for creating the upset we’re feeling. If they hadn’t said or done such and such, we wouldn’t be feeling such and such. And, boy, it sure feels good to lay the blame at the feet of that unbelievably insensitive person. When I do it, I get a sudden surge of empowerment and feeling of strength and self-righteousness. Those feelings, however, quickly give way to feelings of separation, isolation and sadness. Blaming others for how we feel never brings us closer. It does quite the opposite.

It’s important for us to own what is ours. When our buttons get pushed, it’s important that we realize those buttons belong to us. Regardless of how or who installed those buttons, we’re now responsible for them. If you bump into my button, it’s not your fault. It’s an opportunity for me to realize what the button is trying to teach me. In the example above I realized that the particular button my wife bumped into is related to other triggers I have about my reluctance to speak up for myself.

The trigger she tripped became the doorway for me to learn something more about myself.

I’ve taken to a new way of dealing with being triggered. As soon as I realize that one of my buttons was pushed, I now say “thank you” to whoever triggered me. It not only breaks my pattern of blaming others, it puts the responsibility for my reaction where it belongs, on me. It also makes it much easier to share a laugh about the absurdity of my initial interpretation. I’d much rather learn and laugh than blame and feel disconnection.

Give it a try yourself. When you realize you’ve been triggered (regardless of how long ago it happened), say thank you and see how the dynamic of your relationship changes.

Let me know in the comments below what things trigger you. I know others will read it and say, “me too!”

© 2018 Paul Boehnke