A number of years ago (while I was still working as a professional classical musician) I was preparing a concert that combined music from the Baroque period with jazz. We had players from both worlds on stage together creating an interesting blend of the two styles. As director, I’d had an idea of how we could begin a certain medley of pieces. We rehearsed it according to that idea. Afterward I asked the jazz guitarist about whether he thought the idea worked. His response rocked my world.
What he said was, “You were there. What do you think?”
At that moment I realized a habit I’d been living out for years: I needed others’ approval before forming my own opinions. Suddenly I could see the myriad of times I’d asked someone else for their thoughts about something when my own thoughts were more than sufficient. What do you think about this? What do you think about that? What do you think I should do?
Why was I so resistant to trusting my own experience? Why was I dependent on the approval of others? Where was my own voice?
We all need to feel love and connection. We all want approval from others. But needing that approval brings nothing but trouble. We’re the happiest and most fulfilled when we live a life that is true to ourselves.
Respecting Yourself
The need for approval stems from a lack of self-respect. And as I know personally, that self-doubt can exert a high price in all areas of our lives. It makes us second-guess experiences and feel unsure of ourselves. In relationships prevents us from being vulnerable, and if you’re familiar with the work of Brene Brown, you know that deep connection with others depends on our ability to be vulnerable. At work it can make us hesitant to charge what we know we’re worth. If we need approval for our healthcare choices, we disregard our body’s own healing knowledge. If we need approval from others, it’s difficult to play and have fun as completely as a child does. The need for approval betrays our natural power. And most importantly, it robs the world of the valuable contribution only we can make.
I’ll be the first to say that none of us knows everything. We can all use some constructive criticism from time to time. Sometimes we need the advice of experts to help us understand the choices we have and what the likely consequences of those choices will be. If I have a medical issue, the thoughts and experiences of health practitioners are one of the things I need. If I’m buying a house, I want the opinion of a housing inspector to let me know about problems for which I don’t know how to look. I also do my best to form opinions that are based on facts and not simply what I wish was true. But when it comes to responding to experiences or deciding what course of action I wish to take, the best answer comes from within rather than without.
I’m so grateful for the response I got from the guitarist. It continues to help me pay attention to my own experience. I’ve learned to show myself greater respect by trusting my own feelings. I’ve become more honest. Plus, it encourages me to be in the present moment because I’m not thinking about what someone else’s experience might be.
In my coaching practice clients often ask me questions like: what should I do, what do you think? I do my best not to get drawn into answering those questions. Instead I ask them about what they think, about what they feel drawn to do. I help them learn to trust themselves and to see the incredible power of discernment they possess.
I encourage you to do your homework when it comes to learning things you need to learn and to seek out expert advice when necessary. But I also encourage you to pay attention to your own reactions and feelings and to trust them first.
© 2018 Paul Boehnke
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