Perfectionism.
Is it a Virtue or Vice?
Most people tend to think of perfectionism as a negative characteristic yet are extremely resistant to letting go of it.
My client Jim felt the burden and stress of his perfectionistic tendencies. He could see that it never let him rest and was always telling him that whatever he did wasn’t enough. And when it crept into his relationships, well, perfectionism definitely didn’t serve him well.
He was hesitant to give it up though. He believed it drove him to do high quality work. Jim liked that.
What’s really going on with perfectionism?
For Jim, the message underneath his perfectionism told him that he wasn’t quite good enough as he was. He felt he needed to prove his worth by doing things, well, the absolute best he could. But when he did that, the bar of “good enough” was raised and he was right back where he started. Not quite perfect enough and feeling bad to boot.
The crux of the matter was around Jim’s sense of self worth. He had this feeling that in order to get the love he wanted, he had to prove that he was worthy of that love. Truth be told, we all have this feeling to one degree or another. It’s just part of being human.
But what makes someone worthy? Is it their accomplishments or their service to others? Do they need to be a “good” person? If so, what does that even mean?
What about babies? They don’t really do anything beyond eating, sleeping and pooping. Are they worthy? How about the person in their 90’s with dementia who not only can’t remember their family members but can’t even feed themselves, do they have worth?
So far, I’ve not met anyone who says either of these groups are unworthy. We recognize that they’re worthy simply because they are. That’s the same with all of us. We don’t need to prove our worth. We’re worthy just because we are.
But the belief that worthiness needs to be proved, keeps us on that hamster wheel of perfectionism. We can never let up on ourselves. Seeing through this lie that worthiness needs to be proven allows us to separate doing our best from the compulsion of perfectionism.
Instead of the feeling that we’re chased by something, we can choose to do our best simply because we like doing good work. We’re no longer a victim to the flawed premise that we need to prove our worth and we’re free to live our potential, whatever that is in this moment.
You know, the great thing about all our behavioral patterns like perfectionism, is that after letting them go, we get to keep the skills they teach us. Jim still does great work, even after he let go of perfectionism with all its stresses and burdens.
Keep the skills. Ditch the compulsions.
If you’d like to relieve yourself of the pressure perfectionism inflicts on your life but aren’t quite sure how, know I’m here to help. You can reach out to me here.
© 2022 Paul Boehnke. All rights reserved.
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