What causes a lack of purpose?
Why is it sometimes difficult to discern what is uniquely ours to contribute to the world? How can we uncover our calling?
When we’re born into this world we enter with a fully formed spirit but a blank slate with respect to how to be human. We’ve not learned to label or judge. We have no experience of fear or loss. We are simply a manifestation of the energy of life. Everything we do arises naturally and easily from our being. There are no thoughts about good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate. An impulse arises and it’s immediately expressed. Life is direct and real.
As we grow we learn how to interact with the world by watching those around us, primarily our family and especially our parental figures. We learn to label and make judgments. We take on their beliefs about the world, about what’s possible and about who we are. Their particular habits of thought, feeling and behaving become our own habits of thought, feeling and behaving. This is completely natural and the way we begin to find our way in this world.
At some point we’re confronted with a choice between the beliefs we’ve been given and the truth we sense in our soul. We quickly discover that we’re rewarded for choosing in accordance with the beliefs we’ve been taught (e.g. a pat on the head with the words “good boy” or “good girl”). When we choose otherwise we often experience some level of disapproval from the grownups in our life. Since we’re programmed to avoid pain and seek pleasure, we learn to think, feel and behave the way others want us to. Though this is completely normal, it is also the beginning of our journey away from our authentic self. As these patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving grow and multiply, we get further from the truth of who we are. A split develops between who we are and how we are.
When our outer life (our work, the way we present ourselves to the world, what we focus on) isn’t in sync with our inner life (our values, intuition, the essence of who we are) we find ourselves living a divided life. So many of the messages we get from society encourage us to compare ourselves to others. We’re presented with images of others and think we should strive for the same things they have and do. Plus, in our scientific age, our intuition (a gut feeling, the still, small voice, our inner knowing) is discounted in favor of the rational, concrete and quantifiable. In short, our inner life gets pushed to the side and our outer life begins to feel like it belongs to someone else.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s no wonder we feel a lack of purpose. With so little practice paying attention to what our spirit says, of course we’re confused and unsure of what our gifts are. Fortunately, there is a way through. The best news is that all the habits of thinking, feeling and behaving we learned are just that – learned. Whatever is learned can be unlearned. Below is an outline of the process that can return a sense of purpose and power to your life. For further discussion of these steps purchase and download the e-book Creating a Conscious Life here.
The 4 Steps
The steps to living a conscious life, uncovering your life purpose or creating any sort of purposeful change in your life include four stages of work: Awareness and Recognition, Challenging Assumptions, Creating a Vision and Taking Risks.
Step 1: Awareness and Recognition
The first thing anyone needs to know if they’re wanting to go someplace else is where they are now. Without knowing where you are you can’t know in which direction to head. Likewise, to create a unified life, we first need to know how and where our lives are divided. We need to uncover the habits of thinking, feeling and behaving we learned growing up. We also need to relearn to trust our spirit, our inner knowing. Listening to this voice is key to all the steps outlined here and needs to be at the center of all of them. There are many roads which lead toward greater awareness. The Energy Leadership Index (E.L.I.), the Enneagram and the Hoffman Process are but three very effective examples. My coaching work begins with an exploration of the patterns we show up with in the world. I am certified to use the E.L.I. and often use this tool to help with the process of awareness and recognition. The following are questions you can ask yourself to begin this journey on your own.
What are your top 5 values?
How would others describe you? (include friends, colleagues, family, intimate partners)
What are the most common emotions you feel? From whom did you learn these emotions?
How would you describe your authentic self? (This is not the descriptors your intellect and inner critic use. Through meditation or centering exercise find the still, small voice within, the one that knows your true beauty, passion and possibility. Ask this part of you who you are at your essence. It may come up with a word or two, an image, or just a feeling. Trust what comes up.)
In what areas of your life do you feel good? What are the messages you tell yourself about these areas?
In what areas of your life are you dissatisfied? What are the messages you tell yourself about these areas?
(Purchase and download the e-book Creating a Conscious Life here for further questions and thoughts on these steps).
Step 2: Challenging Assumptions
Once you’ve uncovered the answers to the above questions it’s time to dig for a deeper understanding of those answers. This is the step that takes us from the simple awareness of step one to the beginning of creating a vision for what we want. If we’re not where we’d like to be in a part of our lives, there’s a reason for it. That reason is not because the universe is against us. The reason is found in the beliefs we have that limit the opportunities we’re able to see. These beliefs are a major reason we have trouble discerning our life purpose. These beliefs effectively shut down any information that contradict them, silencing the voice of our spirit. Seeing the possibilities available to us becomes impossible.
The way past those limiting beliefs is to uncover the lies hiding beneath them. Beginning with the answers to the questions in step one, ask how you react/behave when you believe those thoughts. Ask yourself how true those thoughts really are. Be honest. Ask which beliefs help you and which don’t. Get really clear on what the unhelpful ones are costing you. Acknowledge, experience and accept the feelings that arise when you realize how these beliefs have hurt you. Then ask how those beliefs served you at some time in the past. Finally, ask who you would be if you didn’t have those thoughts.
At this point, it’s easy to fall into the blame game and hold a grudge against whoever taught you these beliefs. The truth is though, everyone does their best in this life, even when they don’t have the beliefs and skills that help them live their best possible life. This is true of you, and it’s true of whoever taught you. Ask yourself who taught those who taught you. Then see that the belief that was given to you without your knowledge or consent was also given to them in the same way. This will give rise to forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others.
Step 3: Create a Vision
The above work has fleshed out the answer to the question of who you are. Now we turn to the question of how you want to be. This step is the transition between all the inner work you’ve been doing and the beginning of manifesting your purpose in the outside world.
In step two you asked who you would be if you didn’t have the beliefs that limit you. Turn your attention back to that question and get really clear on the answer. Imagine what your life would be like if you lived from the place where everything is possible. Write down this vision for your life and fill in as many details as possible. What is a perfect day for you like? Where do you live? Who is in your life? How do you feel with these people? How can you express your values and your essence in the world? How do you take care of your body? What do you want to contribute to the world? See all the possibilities that arise when you’re free of any limitations. Listen not to the judgmental intellect that attempts to keep you safe but to the voice of your spirit. And don’t go for small. The universe doesn’t need another mediocre life; we need you to be the fullest version of yourself. (You can use the guided meditation I’ve created to help with this step here.)
When you’ve created a clear vision, ask your spirit what belief would most support that vision. Turn that belief into your personal mantra and repeat it to yourself (out loud when possible) as often as you can.
Creating a vision and changing your beliefs with your mantra are the beginning of living into your purpose. The next step is taking action to turn that vision into a reality.
Step 4: Taking Risks
One definition of risk is intentional interaction with uncertainty. Einstein is credited with saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. If we’re wanting different results in our lives and we’re uncertain about what the future will bring, we need to take risks in order to bring about that change.
The first two steps above help us become conscious of our identity, who we believe ourselves to be. They call into question old beliefs and help us let go of them. Taking steps to live into our new vision from step three requires us to move beyond our old identity. This can feel uncomfortable, even frightening. Thinking, feeling, and behaving in new ways can bring up feelings of anxiety and insecurity. They can also create discomfort in others who aren’t use to a new you. Anxiety and worry about how others will react encourages resistance in us. The ego and inner critic go into overdrive as they try to keep us from doing anything unfamiliar, anything they interpret as dangerous. Hence, the need to take risks.
We don’t know what the future holds. But if we’re to make progress toward creating our vision, we must act anyway, act despite our uncertainty.
What is the first small step you can take to bring your vision to life? Take that step. Do it boldly. Do it in spite of fear. Do it with courage. Each step you take will lead to a deeper sense of purpose, authenticity, passion and joy. And each step will give you courage for the next, bigger step.
Don’t worry if you feel some confusion at first. This is normal. Just don’t allow it to keep you from taking the next step. What is tragic is when fear and confusion prevent us from taking the risk to step out. Regardless of what step you take, you’ll either succeed or learn something. In either case you’re closer to your goal.
Looking forward by seeing backward
Although it can happen, it’s rare that someone’s purpose is revealed in its entirety in a flash of insight. More often real clarity of purpose appears as one looks in the rearview mirror. As we move through life, it often feels haphazard and directionless. But as we look back over our past, we can see that everything that’s happened has brought us to where we are now. We’ve always been on the path toward our purpose. We’re on that path now. The steps above allow us to move along that path consciously and with a guiding vision. As you continue to develop next steps, follow your curiosity and bring your values along as you do. You will be rewarded with a remarkable and magical life.
Find Support
Though not impossible, it’s very difficult working through these steps on your own. Our culture often encourages us to be independent, to be the self-made man or woman. But there’s no reason for you to travel this journey alone. You deserve the best support you can get because your life is worth it.
The outside view a coach can provide will move you along this process much more quickly and effectively. If you’re feeling stuck or know you want some guidance, click below to learn about working with me one on one. Isn’t it time to get your inner and outer lives in sync so they can create the life you’ve been dreaming of? Don’t wait another day. Start now.
© 2018 Paul Boehnke